Impasse.

I'm sitting in the office, on my swivel chair... at my desk...
It's messy, but I'm ok.

I think a guy's desk should be messy.. =P It shows that he isn't idling his life away...

It's really quiet here. Uber quiet. The trainees are asleep, all you hear is the low humming of the air conditioner. It's quiet tranquil actually.

Makes you think.

I've been thinking alot recently, which explains so many posts on my blog. People force me to think, even though I much prefer dreaming. Then again, nobody can dream for long without having to wake up to the nightmare which is reality.

Recently, I watched this show called, "Prayers for Bobby".
It's a show that really hits hard at what people actually believe, and it hits home to me.

It's about a boy called Bobby, who was brought up in a staunch christian family.
He goes to church, trusts in God in everything, believe with all his heart that what his preacher says is true.
He tried to live a normal life, tried to do everything as good and pleasing as God commanded in the bible. But he never really had the option to do everything as God commanded him to - he was gay.

He hated himself for being gay.
He forced himself to try to conform to what the church and his family sees as straight.
But in the end, he found himself sliding down a slippery slope.
He tried to turn to God and ask Him for help, "why would I choose the life which would tear apart the happiness of the people I love?".

God never answered that particular prayer.

Distraught and disillusioned, he tried to commit suicide. The first time he lost the courage to and his brother, thinking it would help him, told his problem to his mum who was a staunch christian. His mum, like most staunch christians, kept telling him it was a damnable sin, and that he would go to hell if he continued to be that way, because the bible said so.

In her ferver and belief that prayer could change her son, she kept on praying, day after day, and sought help after help.

Each "help" chipped away at her son's self-esteem, and soon Bobby begun questioning if his mum really loved him or was she doing it for her own sake.

Bobby's cousin who was more open minded had this in respond to, "Love the sinner, not the sin." - it was, "Love the person, whatever the sin."

Bobby tried to the end to trust in God again, but word after word roared out condemnation. He lost faith, he felt that he lost his family, and when the person he loved seemingly cheated on him, he felt he lost his heart.

The second time he attempted to commit suicide didn't fail.
...


I really cried very hard when I watched that show.
It's not that my family doesn't care. They care alot. But deep down, I know, they'll never ever accept me for who I am...
... God doesn't answer my questions to this topic, and he is always serenely calm whenever this topic is brought up.
... unlike almost every other request and questions I get.

Why?

My dad always compared me to his childhood condition which ravaged his legs.
He said, "I kept asking God why He did this to me. Why He gave me this condition, but in the end, it was the condition that led me to who I am today, and why I never gave up despite tough circumstances."

... I never ever told him that it was not a valid point, albeit slightly relevent.

If his illness was one which the bible said, "As one has polio (the illness), one must be cleansed or he will have a place reserved in hell."

then that would be appropriate. But no! That is not the case!

Homosexuality cannot be compared to an illness, at least for a Christian debate, because there is no illness in the bible that leads a person to hell!

...

I really am at an impasse here...

No one can answer my questions properly, and no one feels like they have the authority to.

If the bible is the only source I can turn to, then I'm condemned.
If the Holy Spirit should guide me, then He's silent.

...

I think Christians who seriously are against homosexuals totally, should take a look at the film "Prayers for Bobby". Then reconsider this - "Whenever you say a prayer, a child is listening."

Happy Father's Day

A father is a person who is forced to endure childbirth without an anesthetic. He growls when he feels good and laughs very loud when he is scared half-to-death.

A father never feels entirely worthy of the worship in a child's eyes.
He is never quite the hero his daughter thinks . . . Never quite the man his son believes him to be. And this worries him sometimes. (So he works too hard to try to smooth the rough places in the road of those of his own who will follow him.)

A father is a person who goes to war sometimes . . . and would run the other way except that war is part of his only important job in his life, (which is making the world better for his child than it has been for him.)

Fathers grow older faster than people, because they, in other wars, have to stand at the train station and wave goodbye to the uniform that climbs on board.
And, while mothers cry where it shows, fathers stand and beam . . .outside . . . and die inside.

Fathers are men who give daughters away to other men, who aren't nearly good enough, so that they can have children that are smarter than anybody's.

Fathers fight dragons almost daily. They hurry away from the breakfast table, off to the arena which is sometimes called an office or a workshop. There, with callused hands, they tackle the dragon with three heads; Weariness, Works, and Monotony. And they never quite win the fight, but they never give up.

Knights in shining armor; fathers in shiny trousers: There's little difference as they march away each workday.

I don't know where father goes when he dies, but I've an idea that, after a good rest, wherever it is, he won't just sit on a cloud and wait for the kid he's loved and the children they have. He'll be busy there too . . . repairing the stars, oiling the gates, improving the streets, smoothing the way.

Scribbled by ANDREW at 9/14/2007 03:19:00 PM

Its funny, when everything falls to pieces around you, you know love is there.
Seeking, finding, waiting and holding.
Thru all odds, waiting for the day of return.

I'll return, stronger then ever.
More capable of taking care of you then ever.

Wait for me, my love, my heart.
For even when the sun and the moon perish.
Our love will illuminate life itself...

I failed.. I really failed...
*cries*

Nervous Breakdown..

Am I imagining hurt?... I wonder...

My temper in the recent days is getting from bad to worse... I snap at everybody, I snap at everything... I even snap at my own self...

I have always tried to profile my character into list-able points, so that I can work at it, and stop myself when things get to messy.. My family especially knows my weakness very well, and have even seen terrible things that i did...

... maybe what he said yesterday was correct. Maybe what he said yesterday was so correct that he struck a multitude of raw nerves within me that hurt so badly.

Like the saying goes, "Fact is stranger then fiction, and more often then not, the truth hurts far more."

Yeah, I guess you're right. As I reflect more, even though I do not understand your reasons for bringing it up and forcing me to reflect, - you're right.

I do not have many close friends, and all the people that were close to me always felt that I am distant. I'm too distant to understand, to comprehend.
It's like a mental cage I put around myself.

Even to this day, I still struggle to look at people in the eye. Because as a kid, I was told that I had eyes which could murder people.
My bros would ask me to avert my eyes from my dad last time when he was punishing us because he would end up giving all three of us additional punishment when he locks eyes with me...

I never had much close friends, because I always felt that I should never reveal my weaknesses. What was the point? For them to comfort me? For them to burden themselves with a liability that they cannot shake themselves free off?

I always strive never to be a liability to people. I would rather disappear then allow myself to be a burden to somebody or a group. I hate the feeling of helplessness... When I need people, it becomes a burden to me.

I've told many people that one of my strongest beliefs in life is that when someone does good for you, you must return it back tenfold.
But there are some things that are totally unmeasurable in quantity...

How do you measure love?

How do you measure the times when he hugs you, ruffles your hair and give you an Eskimo kiss?

How do you measure a thousand stars folded with every bit of love he had, even though he is so busy?

How do you... measure the amount of tears he cried when you walked away?...

Some things are immeasurable, that's why when people say that, "gosh... why did you buy something so expensive?"...
is money something that make affection, emotion, sentiments, loyalty and love quantifiable?

I don't have many friends.

Because to me close friends are a burden. Not because they did anything wrong, but simply because they are beautiful chains.
They support you when you fall, they're there to hold you back when you're about to do something silly, they hold on to you because as you are chained to them, they are chained to you.

I don't have many friends.

... you're right.



That's what hurts so bad...

A Can of Worms.

I wonder. How far would a person push to get his way?
To justify his hate?
To nullify his emotions?

Alvin. You really, really, really pissed me off today. And the fact that I am writing it on my blog means I was REALLY pissed.

All your statements, ALL your comments, ALL your opinions were absolutely unnecessary, yet you kept stomping on grounds that were not even yours.
Something inside me broke.

Once, twice was ok. I understood. But after so many times, it does not make logical sense.

You want me to be your enemy?

What do you gain out of making those scathing comments about me?

You say you don't hate me, but I only see otherwise.

What is wrong with you?

Seriously?


Your emotions are all that matter is it?
So that you can justify, and fill your heart with hate isn't it?
So that you can edify yourself and convince yourself that "yes, he is as nasty as I thought he is."

You're happy now?

I havn't spoken so spitefully for so long.

You think you know everybody around you. You justify your knowledge of our mutual friends to thumb me down.
Is "our mutual friends" all the friends that I have.

sorry. I have far more friends then that.

A conversation that started out with well meaning ON MY SIDE, was mutilated, twisted and warped into a horrendous spit fighting the likes I havn't seen for years.









I told you halfway through the conversation that each word is a stab wound which you CANNOT heal once you say it.
It leaves a scar, in the place where your position as "friend" was.


whatever it is, you won the battle.

I really don't care about you, and I don't know you anymore.

I don't want to know you anymore.

It is people like you which fill the world with spite and hate.

People like you who only think of yourself before typing out the words to stab another.



I can't get the conversation out of my head.
I tried.



You really fucked me up big time.

Updates and Handphones

jeez. It's been a real damn long time since I last blogged.
I've got so many things on my mind, I've hardly had time to organize my thoughts.

Well... I realized that many of my colleagues read my blog, so I better be careful whatever I post. haha.. right Pree and Andy?

Anywayz, what triggered me to write this post is my annoyance over mobile phones.

WHY ON EARTH ARE THEY GETTING SO SLOW?

I think I sms less then a hundred sms-es a month, almost totally due to the fact that nowadays, handphone messaging is such a tedious task.
All along, just merely messaging a full text message with maximum characters involved would take me at the most 20 seconds.
NOW, for me to that, I think it would take me about 12o seconds.

Disgusting!

Arrgh... Isn't mobile phone technology suppose to improve with time, instead of decreasing efficiency and causing such terrible problems?

You have MP3 players, WiFi, Gaming and Video phones, Camera phones and even waterproof phones.
Yes, you have all this functions. But for what shit when the most basic necessities that make a handphone a HANDPHONE is compromised?

Reception has not improved over the years, short messaging systems are getting more tedious to send.
We might as well use a laptop?

Nah beh.
Really very irritating.

Want to send a proper sms also so difficult.

Grrr...

Well.... on a 2nd note, update on my life!

Pretty much enjoying singlehood now. No restraints, no commitments... I realized that I've lots more time and lots more money for everything!
... not that my stress level has decreased...

I'm going to ORD in another 3 more months, yet I don't have an upper study, and my boss is going berzerk. - again.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should just kick back my shoes.. erm. I mean GoreTex Boots, absorb the ORD-ing atmostphere along with all those who are going to ORD along with me and just laze around.

Haha... I'll just throw all my jobs to another person.

Only thing is that person would probably hate me for that.


3rd Note:

My birthday was awesome.
no. My birthDAYS were awesome.
I'm seriously wondering why on earth my 22nd birthday was celebrated more then my 21st birthdays..

haha.... It's frigging great anywayz..
Thank you EVERYBODY for EVERYTHING!!

=)

4th Note:

There is something that is really bugging me about this whole AWARE saga.

I'll blog about it another day..





*grins*
Life is great.